Maybe What It Could Have Been

I’m sitting out on my minuscule deck enjoying the remnants of the day and getting slightly misty-eyed. Can’t help it.

I hear the neighbor kids playing and having a good time. Normally, they annoy the heck out of me, but it seems fitting. I hear their parents further in the distance, laughing, telling tall tales and generally having a good time as well. It’s all so Mayberry-like. Sure I can’t understand a word of what they say, but happiness and joy are universal in their sound.

But it is this time of the year, August. Too many bad memories, too much repressed pain and anger, but I thought I had it all licked, tamped down, under control. But no. Not even close. It’s fucked up how things that happen around you can re-open old wounds with a violent force that takes your breath away. A co-worker recently lost her babies in a somewhat similar fashion to my wife and I and that brought all of it back with a vengeance. That day I sat in a cold sweat, heart racing recalling the feelings of the 10 days our daughter was alive. I shivered through the cold icy grip of fear as I vividly recalled walking into her room, crowded with staff trying to bring her back and having to tell them to stop and let her go. Even as I write now, underneath the beer I can feel the shakes, the racing heart and cold pit in my chest. It never seems to go away completely.

So I laugh and joke it away, smile through the pain deep inside. I sit and wonder if I need to go back to the numbness of chemical happiness because at least then I didn’t feel anything. I sit and worry if there is something wrong with us, with me, how almost 5 years later,with no contraception there hasn’t even been a scare. I feel like we had two chances but they failed and we don’t get a third. It sucks. The sounds of family seem so comforting, yet so alien. Like something out of reach that we will never know.

We would have been having her 5th birthday this weekend, surrounded by friends and family, all so Mayberry and suburban happiness. Instead I’m sitting here listening to someone else’s family having a good time and pondering what it may have been.

Thanks for listening, I’ll be back to normal soon.

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