A Year Later

It was a year ago 2/27 that I worked my last shift at the bedside. I was burned out, didn’t care anymore and looking for a change but couldn’t get motivated to make one. Taking a voluntary lay off was one of the best decisions on my career.

A year ago I dreaded going to work, dreaded dealing with the unstable mess I felt my unit had become and sick of dealing with the overwhelmingness of not caring. I cared about my patients but didn’t “care” about them. Maybe I allowed myself to get too close, didn’t keep and extend enough professional distance to not feel burdened by their issues. Whatever it was, I was not healthy, mentally or physically.

In the last 6 months I worked in Portland I began developing serious anxiety issues. I had never experienced an anxiety attack, but when the first one hit and I sat there vibrating like a guitar string, hyperventilating, freaking out over going back to work I knew something was not right. I was crass, callous, more cynical than normal. Short and rude with co-workers and unable to maintain the Zen-like ease that I had previously, I needed something different.

Different I got. Moving from a teaching facility to a small community hospital. Changing from bedside nursing to compliance and charge capture nursing (clipboard nursing…). Moving from a city to a small rural community. Going from 9 months of gray skies to abundant blue skies and sun. It’s like getting my life back. I’ve lost weight, learned to sleep normally again and rekindled that spark with my wife. Life, for the most part, is good. It took 5 years of death by a thousand cuts to nearly destroy me, luckily it only took a year to heal me.

And now I sit on my porch, blue skies over my shoulder, feeling the sun on my back and know it’s been worth it.

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