It’s odd, I figured this unemployment thing would be like a vacation. Sit back, relax, catch up on things left unread, do some housework while slowly getting things for the imminent move together. I figured I would not miss working, prepping for work or the actual time spent going to work.
Yeah. Wrong on all counts.
Admittedly I’ve done a fair bit of relaxing. There have been many days of sitting around in sweats like some somewhat thinner suburban version of Jabba the Hut, dropping whatever snacks were within reach into my maw, ordering minions to do things (at least in my head). I’ve spent some quality time on Twitter, on some blogs, scoping out new places to ride when we move, but have done little of anything constructive. The place looks pretty much exactly like it did the week I stopped working. Packing? Psshh. Attacking the list of things I need to accomplish for the week? Did (the easy) 50%.
Never thought I would say it, but the hardest thing is not going to work. I see the #nocshift tag come up on Twitter for all those headed to slay the dragon of work and while I may be there in spirit, I’m really just an impostor now. I wish them luck and go back to doing nothing of consequence. But it’s the odd things that seem to mean the most to me. Not buying food specifically for work. Not staying up ’til all hours to readjust my internal clock to stay up for the next three nights. Not having the in-person interaction with my friends as we strive towards a common goal. It has made me slightly off-balance and I don’t like it. Coming from a long line of Scandinavian hard working folk, the need to work is etched indelibly into my DNA. Go too long without and I become insufferable to be around, pacing like a wild animal trapped in an enclosure but unable to do anything.
Worst though it has allowed my fear of not getting work even more real. It has allowed that nagging voice, the one that I used to continually tell to “shut the fuck up!” a little more volume. That little voice has been very, very talkative of late. Doubt, the killer of initiative, has been working overtime.
All this after only a week. I’m going to be a psychic wreck by the time I get to Arizona. And I will have probably driven my wife insane.
At least though, things are slowly coming together. It appears we have a place to call home lined up. There seems to be some jobs in the area that I could pursue. I just have to realize that things will take some time. This isn’t going to happen overnight, no matter how hard I want it to. The last time I was unemployed was so painful, more for factors beyond not having a job/income, that issues I thought I had dealt with long ago are bleeding into the current discussion which makes this more stressful. I have to remember that this is not like last time. I have experience. I have money coming in. I’m not running from death, disappointment and despair. Instead I’m running to something new, exciting and different. And you’e all along for the ride!